beauty in brokenness

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| beauty in brokenness | faith based | ocd healing and awareness |
  • dancing on water

    dancing on water

    i didn’t know how crucial the words “dancing on water” would be as i made the banner for my first classroom. i was so excited to finally be living the life i dreamed of. it was hard, but worth it. then, it was all gone in the blink of an eye.

    i knew my ankle was bad when i saw it hanging outwards after i slammed the breaks of my car harder than i ever had. i didn’t register after crashing that it would be a long and painful road to get back to the person i was that morning.

    the airbag was out even though i don’t remember it hitting me. after looking around at broken glass and steam, it felt like my whole body was sinking. “if my ankle looks like that and i didn’t feel it, what else could be wrong?” i thought as i tried to open my door. it wouldn’t open all the way, but i wasn’t panicking. everything in me was denying the reality of this disaster.

    a man stopped and pried my door open and lifted me out and laid me on the side of the road. then the burning fire hit throughout my foot and ankle. it was bad. so many kind people stopped and laid their hearts as blankets and coats on me. i truly felt that the world still had hope and Jesus sent them to help me.

    my ankle was dislocated and shattered. my foot was also fractured in multiple places and my hand was fractured as well. after three days in the hospital and one surgery, i was in my apartment as someone i didn’t recognize. the reality of pain was the only thing clear now. another surgery came and i was let go from my job. everything gone.

    i went home for Christmas, not knowing that i wouldn’t be back to the life i loved till right before we left. i was looking at months of recovery. i was dependent on people for everything and quickly felt my passion fade.

    they say i will get better. walk again, even run someday. i am truly thankful for that hope. however, right now it seems forever away. i feel pain in my heart as i grieve my life and try to be ok with where i am.

    i think back to the sign. i heard it in a song by judah that said “when you look at Me, you’ll be dancing on water.” Peter looked to Jesus and walked on water till he looked away and sank. now, through Jesus’ saving work, we can look at Him and not just walk through the storm, but dance.

    though everything in me feels like screaming, my soul rejoices because what the devil had taken i know Christ will redeem sevenfold. so i will not only walk again through this life, but dance.

    love,

    sara 🤍

  • New Year, New Start…

    New Year, New Start…

    new year’s can be a very triggering time for those who struggle with ocd. i know because this was me not too long ago. this year was surprisingly so much easier for me. now, don’t get me wrong, there were still some compulsions i did do, but they were not extreme.

    i write this to encourage you that it does get better. i would not be at this point in my life if it wasn’t for two crucial things—therapy and Jesus. God orchestrated healing my heart and mind simultaneously this year.

    every year i pick a word to focus on. a few years ago it was “healing”, not because it was a goal i could obtain, i didn’t think that was possible, but because it was the one thing my soul wished for. well, 2023 did not bring much of that, in fact it was one of the hardest years of my life. well, God brought me back to His heart by dec. so last year i chose the word “intimacy”. this is when tremendous healing started, when i truly encountered Christ. He gave me a new fight. a fight to break chains. a fight to do the work in and out of therapy. a fight to heal. 

    last year did hold some darkness and heartbreak, but it held so much freedom!

    this new year’s i decided on the word “worship.” i chose this because my faith was crushed to the floor and Jesus rebuilt it with me. now, i see Him. i have been hindered in my walk with Christ for so long and now can’t help, but praise Him. this is also a huge transition year for me as i graduate college and start my career. i know God is planning something big and worship will be the glue surrounding it.

    don’t give up on God this year. trust me, He hasn’t given up on you.

    receive that today,

    love,

    ~ sara 🤍

  • why the wave?

    for so long somethig inside of me wanted to use my voice to impact others. i have had a passion to help people since i was a child. in the midst of when my OCD struggle began i felt completely lost and dark and hopeless. i remember my mom was trying to comfort me and even said that someday God was going to use this, use my story and maybe i would even speak on stage and help others who are going through the same thing.

    i didn’t believe one word of that at the time. as i walked through my teenage years i continued to want to help others, but knew i had to help myself first. i would go to Bible camp and have a flame to share the gospel, but i didn’t truly believe it myself so it usually fizzeled out.

    it is by God’s grace and power that He still used me during my worst days. in my junior year of college i was a prayer leader to some girls on my floor. this was during the hight of my mental struggles and self-harm. i felt fake. an imposter. i was truly a shell of a person. yet, i would sit there (with nothing prepared) and pray “Lord, i’m completely broken. if these girls are going to get something, it is definitly not from me. please speek through me in spite of everything.” i felt like i was making no impact and everyone didn’t seem too affected by what i would say. this was just another area i was failing at.

    what does this have to do with waves? i’m getting to that, be patient 😉

    fast foward a year, i reached out to one of the girls and was able to pour into her when she got back to school and share a lot of the healing i had experienced. she told me how God really used me the year prior and how impactful being in my group was. i was completely stunned. when i was at my complete worst, consumed with cutting, depression, anxiety, and controled by OCD; even then, God used me. He used me. none of it was me, it couldn’t be. i was so broken that i could not fake it, i was truly an empty vessel.

    as i began truly healing for the first time, God spoke to me, “now imagine what I can do through you.” i was reminded of the time my mom told me God could use this. i believe God gave her this prophesy of me using what God had done in my life to encourage me that HE COULD DO IT.

    He could heal me. He could bring me out of darkness and to the other side…and HE DID. now i don’t speak God’s truth because of some spark in my covered by doubt, but i speak His truth because I HAVE EXPERIENCED IT. and i long for others to experience it too.

    so much of my life was characterized by brokenness. i felt like a child constantly crying out for help. when i got my tattoo a few years ago (another blog for another time lol), i was not in the best place, but felt ready to get one. i decided on a wave, not just because i love florida and th ocean, but because what the wave represents. God gave me the phrase “beauty in brokenness” which i almost got written under the wave.

    He gave me the revelation of what a wave is. it is something that on the outside that we see as beautiful, but is actually the stress of the water that has been broken and shaken around by the forcess around it. waves are part of storms that have taken down ships and claimed lives. yet, we see them as beautiful? something that is disastrous is redeemed into an image of power and grace. this is my story, God as taken the brokenness of everything in my life and has made it beautiful. my hurt is not perminent and is not purposeless, and neither is yours.

    He truly makes beauty from ashes, graves into gardens, and beauty in waves 🌊

    “mightier than the thunders of many waters, mightier than the waves of the sea, the Lord on high is mighty!” – ps. 93:4

    love, sara 🤍

  • so…the holidays

    so…the holidays

    i originally wrote this for thanksgiving, but it really applies to all the holidays, hope it’s a blessing to you:

    i know this can be so hard to grasp. everyone around you is saying how great their lives seem to be and it’s excruciating for you to walk into different rooms, hold a conversation or even breathe at times. the simplest of tasks are a mountain before you. and constant patterns are slave drivers beating you with panic to submit. you live in constant terror that something bad is or will be coming. and somehow the fabric of your universe seems to balance on what you do with these intrusive thoughts that convince you that you are filthy and vile…you’re constantly on defense. palms sweaty from the consistent tension in your body.

    “God is good.” God is good? how can a good God watch me suffer. how can a good God stand there as i scream at His feet covered in my own blood? doesn’t it seem cruel that all i want is to fallow Him and i’m bound by such brokenness? — this was me. and it would still be today if it weren’t for one thing. the gospel. sounds cliche doesn’t it? too easy? it was something i heard all my life, why would it help 20 years later? well, you see, that’s just it. the whole time i was begging God to do something, to be “good”, to free me, love me, i thought He didn’t. so i gave up. but it wasn’t until i heard Him whisper, “I already did”, till everything clicked. all my guilt, obsessions, compulsions, depression, anxiety, self-harm, shame, fear and doubt, were nailed to the cross of Jesus Christ. i had to RECEIVE the gift i heard of all my life, the healing i heard of all my life. Jesus did NOT mean this for you, He does NOT want you to suffer. He wants you HEALED and made WHOLE. that’s why He did what He did.

    we cannot fully comprehend why bad things happen, but we know they do and that they were never meant to be in this world. however, sin has opened that. God could have left us, but it is because HE IS GOOD that came, because He is good that He loved, because He is good that He suffered, because He is good that He died. it is because He is good that He sits with you, covered in blood and tears, and is patient as He waits tenderly for you to receive what He has already accomplished.

    does it all go away? not always. but for the first time there is HOPE. your brain is an organ and OCD is an awful disease and addiction that we were never meant to fight alone. there are amazing Biblical therapists that UNDERSTAND and can help you break through the lies and rebuild the path from heart to mind. if you want to take the first step to fight, please visit ocdhopewithbeautyinbrokenness.com and visit resources to find the best option for you.

    with all said, we too can give thanks, love, sara ❤

  • psalm 139 tpt

    This psalm paints the beautiful relationship between Almighty God and us. Displaying the beauty of His constancy and care. No matter where we are, He is there! (This seems like a simple statement, but often with OCD and other struggles, we do not rest in truth and accept it as reality. So I encourage you to do so as you read.

    You Know All About Me

    For the Pure and Shining One, King David’s Poetic Song

    “Lord, you know everything there is to know about me. You perceive every movement of my heart and soul, and you understand my every thought before it even enters my mind. You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book and you know all the words I’m about to speak before I even start a sentence! You know every step I will take before my journey even begins. You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness you follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. You have laid your hand on me! This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible! Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength. Where could I go from your Spirit? Where could I run and hide from your face? If I go up to heaven, you’re there! If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too! If I fly with wings into the shining dawn, you’re there! If I fly into the radiant sunset, you’re there waiting! Wherever I go, your hand will guide me; your strength will empower me. It’s impossible to disappear from you or to ask the darkness to hide me, for your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night. There is no such thing as darkness with you. The night, to you, is as bright as the day; there’s no difference between the two. You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother’s womb. I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly you know me, Lord! You even formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place; carefully, skillfully you shaped me from nothing to something. You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book. Every single moment you are thinking of me! How precious and wonderful to consider that you cherish me constantly in your every thought! O God, your desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore! When I awake each morning, you’re still with me. O God, come and slay these bloodthirsty, murderous men! For I cry out, “Depart from me, you wicked ones!” See how they blaspheme your sacred name and lift up themselves against you, but all in vain! Lord, can’t you see how I despise those who despise you? For I grieve when I see them rise up against you. I have nothing but complete hatred and disgust for them. Your enemies shall be my enemies! God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way— the path that brings me back to you.”
    ‭‭

  • My story…

    hey, i’m sara 🙂 if you’re reading this you’re most likely suffering with deep hurt and don’t know what to do next. you’re searching for answers, but nothing seems to help, let alone work at all. i came from the same place. for so long, i did not know what was wrong with me. i thought i was some “special case scenario” that no one (even me) could understand. every little thing was so difficult. for example, it would take me 45 min. just to floss my teeth, i couldn’t write anything without scribbling it out and every time i went to the bathroom it would take me excessively long and my chest would be covered in hives. for so long my normal was a constant suffering with intense panic attacks sprinkled in my week. everything outside of me terrified me as well as everything inside me. i didn’t want to live for so long, but death also terrified me immensely. i built a level of compulsive behaviors to be able to go to college. i thought i was getting a little better, but would get pushed off my feet again and again while trying to hide it from everyone around me. i would sit in class screaming on the inside for help. i walked around as a shell of a person. i was completely hopeless and full of agony and despair. i put all this guilt and pressure on myself and began cutting. i was so frustrated and mad at myself for not being able to control my thoughts and compulsion and it was the only thing that provided some sense of relief. it was a way of self-punishment and pain release, but as with ocd, it came with a price. the lowest point was when i told my counselor and called a suicide/self-harm hotline. i felt almost paralyzed and so embarrassed and confused. i had a good childhood and no specific cause for all of this. then, i began to meet with a therapist every week. we worked through tools such as EMDR processing and exposure therapy. this time was when i began to see Jesus for the first time. i grew up with Him, but realized i truly had no faith, but that it was possible to have. i used to sit on the bathroom floor, bleeding, not just my arms, but also my soul, crying out to God to show up. i thought He didn’t, but looking back i can see that He was holding me tightly in His arms every moment. i wanted Him to save me, free me, and He respond, “oh daughter, I already did. you’re not covered in your blood, but mine. you are not empty, but made whole, I saved you. all you have to do is open your eyes. it is finished. i’m here. and i’m not going anywhere.” as i grew, God met me there and miraculously showed me who He was and who i was. i’m not defined by fear, depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and ocd. i am defined as a daughter of the Most High. it’s easy to just hear, trust me i know, but it’s when we start to LIVE by it that everything begins to change and the Spirit fills with hope. oh sweet friend, i write all this for you. mental health is not who you are and you CAN live in hope, i promise. there is beauty in brokenness.

    with love,

    your sister,

                — sara 🤍