beauty in brokenness

hey, i’m sara 🙂 if you’re reading this you’re most likely suffering with deep hurt and don’t know what to do next. you’re searching for answers, but nothing seems to help, let alone work at all. i came from the same place. for so long, i did not know what was wrong with me. i thought i was some “special case scenario” that no one (even me) could understand. every little thing was so difficult. for example, it would take me 45 min. just to floss my teeth, i couldn’t write anything without scribbling it out and every time i went to the bathroom it would take me excessively long and my chest would be covered in hives. for so long my normal was a constant suffering with intense panic attacks sprinkled in my week. everything outside of me terrified me as well as everything inside me. i didn’t want to live for so long, but death also terrified me immensely. i built a level of compulsive behaviors to be able to go to college. i thought i was getting a little better, but would get pushed off my feet again and again while trying to hide it from everyone around me. i would sit in class screaming on the inside for help. i walked around as a shell of a person. i was completely hopeless and full of agony and despair. i put all this guilt and pressure on myself and began cutting. i was so frustrated and mad at myself for not being able to control my thoughts and compulsion and it was the only thing that provided some sense of relief. it was a way of self-punishment and pain release, but as with ocd, it came with a price. the lowest point was when i told my counselor and called a suicide/self-harm hotline. i felt almost paralyzed and so embarrassed and confused. i had a good childhood and no specific cause for all of this. then, i began to meet with a therapist every week. we worked through tools such as EMDR processing and exposure therapy. this time was when i began to see Jesus for the first time. i grew up with Him, but realized i truly had no faith, but that it was possible to have. i used to sit on the bathroom floor, bleeding, not just my arms, but also my soul, crying out to God to show up. i thought He didn’t, but looking back i can see that He was holding me tightly in His arms every moment. i wanted Him to save me, free me, and He respond, “oh daughter, I already did. you’re not covered in your blood, but mine. you are not empty, but made whole, I saved you. all you have to do is open your eyes. it is finished. i’m here. and i’m not going anywhere.” as i grew, God met me there and miraculously showed me who He was and who i was. i’m not defined by fear, depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and ocd. i am defined as a daughter of the Most High. it’s easy to just hear, trust me i know, but it’s when we start to LIVE by it that everything begins to change and the Spirit fills with hope. oh sweet friend, i write all this for you. mental health is not who you are and you CAN live in hope, i promise. there is beauty in brokenness.

with love,

your sister,

            — sara 🤍