beauty in brokenness

i originally wrote this for thanksgiving, but it really applies to all the holidays, hope it’s a blessing to you:

i know this can be so hard to grasp. everyone around you is saying how great their lives seem to be and it’s excruciating for you to walk into different rooms, hold a conversation or even breathe at times. the simplest of tasks are a mountain before you. and constant patterns are slave drivers beating you with panic to submit. you live in constant terror that something bad is or will be coming. and somehow the fabric of your universe seems to balance on what you do with these intrusive thoughts that convince you that you are filthy and vile…you’re constantly on defense. palms sweaty from the consistent tension in your body.

“God is good.” God is good? how can a good God watch me suffer. how can a good God stand there as i scream at His feet covered in my own blood? doesn’t it seem cruel that all i want is to fallow Him and i’m bound by such brokenness? — this was me. and it would still be today if it weren’t for one thing. the gospel. sounds cliche doesn’t it? too easy? it was something i heard all my life, why would it help 20 years later? well, you see, that’s just it. the whole time i was begging God to do something, to be “good”, to free me, love me, i thought He didn’t. so i gave up. but it wasn’t until i heard Him whisper, “I already did”, till everything clicked. all my guilt, obsessions, compulsions, depression, anxiety, self-harm, shame, fear and doubt, were nailed to the cross of Jesus Christ. i had to RECEIVE the gift i heard of all my life, the healing i heard of all my life. Jesus did NOT mean this for you, He does NOT want you to suffer. He wants you HEALED and made WHOLE. that’s why He did what He did.

we cannot fully comprehend why bad things happen, but we know they do and that they were never meant to be in this world. however, sin has opened that. God could have left us, but it is because HE IS GOOD that came, because He is good that He loved, because He is good that He suffered, because He is good that He died. it is because He is good that He sits with you, covered in blood and tears, and is patient as He waits tenderly for you to receive what He has already accomplished.

does it all go away? not always. but for the first time there is HOPE. your brain is an organ and OCD is an awful disease and addiction that we were never meant to fight alone. there are amazing Biblical therapists that UNDERSTAND and can help you break through the lies and rebuild the path from heart to mind. if you want to take the first step to fight, please visit ocdhopewithbeautyinbrokenness.com and visit resources to find the best option for you.

with all said, we too can give thanks, love, sara ❤